when selflessness aint so bad.

Just a sidenote, dont be offended by what im going to say but this is what i really think.

Ive read about how good friends and caring family members are suppose to stand by you if something wrong or misleading were to happen. It's not that i dont have them, but maybe i have not felt that side of them yet. Sometimes i feel like as if im trying to please others too much but not my own self. Ive got responsibilities shouldered onto my tiny shoulder but nobody seemed to care. I hate being a hypocrite, when i try my best to suck up to my family at the expense of my other relationships or try to act like nothing is happening when something big is really happening. I grow up in a family where everything is set on the table for me. Compromise? I dont think so. To outsiders like my aunts, my family may seem like a flawless perfect family with a father who earns a decent income and a mother who takes care of the family and kids who never create problems. I believe that Perfection never existed, and human falter very easily.

I lie to my parents when i want to go out with my friends, using school as an excuse just to have a meager 5 hours of enjoyment.
I lie to my friends whenever my parents disallow me my liberty, saying something crop up when the real excuse is that simply my parents dont allow.
I apologise to my parents to mistakes i did not do.
I apologise to my friends endlessly when i feel guilty for going back on my words.
I try my best to be on my best behavior just to have freedom, a thing that other parents wouldnt deny their own kids. Sometimes even being a non-paid actress.
I try my best to not break my promises to my friends, and feel very guilty whenever i do but i dont think people see that.

It doesnt end here, but i see no point in going. Its not as if it will change anything.
Nobody understands, and even if they say they do, they actually dont cause they arent the ones in my shoe, always having to cut myself into two and be two persons - The Syikin who belongs to her youth and teenage life with her friends, and the Syikin who has to do all the household chores and never argue back to her parents and abide by everything they say cause they are always right, cause if i dont, i will be treated like a prisoner. A prisoner who will be locked up in the room to reflect on herself, and not allowed to eat, and should come out only when shes ready to say sorry and receive one hr of non-stop lecture.

Being a teenager, my hormones always gets the best of me. Once it became too much that i stayed locked up in the room for two days, and even contemplated on running away and being suicidal. I think some of my friends knew about this, friends whom i really could depend on. Who gave the right advices. Thank You.

Yes, this is my life. What others dont see beneath all that swagger.
If you think im lying, then its up to you cause for sure, im sure of my words and will never regret the decision i made to post this.

I love everyone in my life, but perhaps it may never be the same again for i fervently hope that after this i still have a little bit of dignity to carry on, no matter how insignificant.

lotsa love.